Hydrogen
by Kittfox
Summary: I want to go home. I want to go home. He chanted. Eventhough he is sorrounded by people he knew, he could see the blood on his hands. Naruto centric
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine**

**Hydrogen**

Rain pellets the dry earth. I stare at the dark skies weary. I feel drained, tired, slowly but surely fading away… lightning streaked the sky, the rain came down harder and I know that the no matter how much the water washed away the grime and filth, their blood, my blood, would forever remain here. I closed my eyes briefly.

_And so this is the end…_

I felt something cold nuzzle me at my neck and I let out a weary sigh. With no small amount of effort I extended my hand and opened my eyes to have Kyubbi no Kitsune, the nine tailed fox, meet my vision. "Fox." I whispered as I reached and caressed the reddish golden fur now turning dark from the moisture. It leaned to my touch.

Somehow, this isn't how I pictured the end would be. I always thought that I would remain steadfast to my belief that everything would be okay. Everything would be just fine, I would be Hokage, people would acknowledge me, Sakura would be my wife, Kakashi-sensei would reveal his face and Sasuke… Sasuke would be always there. By my side.

Psh. What a naive fool I was.

It took for one certain ex-friend to betray me, a psychotic brother of that certain ex-friend to come after me, boost with the hateful comments from the villagers that always deflates my ego, Sakura's sad face, Tsunaide's disappointed face, Iruka's disappointed face, Kakashi's disappointed masked face, and boom. Thirteen years of patience, hard work and bottled frustration and injustice of it all exploded. Shit. How did things get so wrong?

And now here I am. At the ruin which was once called the village of leaves. I let my hand slowly fall only to be held by someone else. Nine tails, it had transformed to a boy with the same likeness as me. I think. If I have my hair dyed red and had my eyes changed of course. Kyubbi… what a swell guy, er, demon.

Sure, we had our share of spats, sure he threatened and almost scared the bejesus out of me once, sure this is the first time I actually have contact with him outside my body, but like I said. He's okay. I only wish he is clothed, guess demons have no use for modesty eh?

Oh well, I saw my own body far too many times, seeing a mirror image of my own wouldn't make any difference would it?

I don't remember much, my seal broke. I think.

_You think?_ A sarcastic voice inside my head retorted. And no it's not nine tails.

Fine. My seal broke. It was right after the mission to retrieve Sasuke when I was too angry for words. Too angry at that…bastard, too angry at my teammates, too angry at Sakura for not helping, too angry at Kakashi for always coming late, Too angry at Tsunaide-baba for just sending mere genins like us, too angry at Jiraiya for not being there and too angry at myself.

And the aftermath? I just blew it. I guess all that stress, frustration, anger, sadness, and all that shit that's been building up for years finally got the better of me and I just went out like a shaken cola bursting the top off with a lot of fizz. I just…. I just wanna stop it all. End it all. The hurt, the pain, what the…I'm such an idiot. God Iruka-sensei I even killed you too.

"You're thinking too hard." I felt a finger trying to smoothen the wrinkles between my brows. Huh. I blinked as I felt arms go under my legs and my back as my former prisoner carried me. The fox started walking with all his naked glory toward the direction of my apartment. The only thing left standing here.

Funny, it was the demon that everyone feared that actually made an effort to really stop me without actually trying to kill me. It's hard to swallow but I'm not really a strong shinobi. Maybe above average or more but the point is there are more than one person who always could top me off as I am reminded time and time again.

It's their fear that fueled my anger. Either they didn't trust me enough or didn't trust me at all, they attacked me. ME! I'm a separate entity form the demon now hellooo. I would have said that if they had given me the chance too. And that fox, who had stayed where he was doing nothing, for the life of me I couldn't get why, saved me. It's like Kyubbi vs. Konoha again only this time there's no fourth Hokage doing any sealing on some unfortunate infant and no Uzumaki Naruto fighting for his village.

I was feeling too angry and betrayed to fight for them

_I…_

The fox deposited me gently at my bed and immediately I curled up under my covers, hiding.

_I…killed them._

My only friend, the only one left lied down and curled around me, embracing me in a somewhat protective manner.

_I killed them. Iruka-sensei, Sakura-chan, the rookie guys, Tsudnaide-baachan, Kakashi-sensei, Konohamaru, Moegi, Udon…It's my entire fault._

"Sleep. Rest for now brother. Perhaps tomorrow would be better." I closed my eyes and buried my head on the fox's chest letting his low voice drown away my guilt if for a moment.

Shit. I really did become a demon.

…………………..

It was the chirping of the birds that drew me to my semi-consciousness state. I lay there in the comfortable darkness, praising the restful slumber silently. It has been a long time, I pondered, since I have a rest like this and barely remember how exhausted I had been to bring it about.

This in turn made me wonder what I did to myself warrant something like this.

I shifted and turned to the warmth of the bed I lay on. Making full use of what comfort around me as if afraid to let go, I spread myself content to just let myself lay there in the warmth not questioning it. The idea of even opening my eyes was something I could not acknowledge, nor would be the question why I am scared to do so.

As more awareness started to return, I began to sense the little things. The first thing is that my body just didn't feel…right…somehow. I could not pinpoint what but there's something definitely wrong that makes me uneasy. The second thing I noticed is that I was not alone. Why is there someone in his apartment?

I cast my mind back; last thing I remember is blood, fire, death then warmth. I gave an unconscious shudder. No. It must be a dream. I could hear the noisy bustle of busy merchants and early shoppers just outside the window.

_It's probably just Sasuke or Sakura ordered by Kakashi-sensei to fetch me._

Then why aren't they waking me up?

I moaned. The hushed movements stopped inside my apartment stopped. It hadn't registered before, not until the silence left behind filled the space in my ears where they had been. I stayed perfectly still, barely breathing, heart beating rapidly in my chest.

Something moved and I could tell the exact direction with accurate precision. I am puzzled how sure I am and somewhat disturbed that I could tell that it was neither one of my teammates yet someone familiar nevertheless. My senses seem sharper, more defined that it used to and I felt overwhelmed. I don't think I'm drugged which was…strange. It's just…my body isn't quite the same anymore.

The bed dipped as the other occupant of my house sat down. I felt more than a few seconds earlier the coming warmth as the person touched my cheek gently? Huh?

"Time to wake up brother."

_That voice!_

I'm sure my brows went beyond my hairline as my lids shot open. There was no faking on that account. My eyes almost popped at the achingly familiar molten gold staring back at my own, the wild fiery hair on its head, I screamed.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for the reviews. Please read and enjoy.**

**Discalimer: Naruto is not mine**

**Hydrogen**

There was no sound coming from the other room; my arms trembled as they supported my weight against the sink of the bathroom. My head bowed down over the cold water at the basin, all I could think was how sick this situation was.

_Sick. Sick. What the hell is happening here?_

God. I splashed the water against my face again. Is it me or is my heart beating too loudly, I could practically hear it drumming against my ribs. I can't breath. This has to be one sick joke. I can't…not again. It has to be!

The bathroom door knob jingled and turned. "How long are you going to take in there?"

"It's just not possible. It can't be possible." I raised my head and met my reflection from the bathroom mirror and stared at it. My hair is as lively and as wild as it had been sunshine blond. Water dipped from my nose where I splashed the cold water. The face I am facing now was the one I knew so very well, the one that had changed so subtly over the years into something more mature. What I am staring right now is what I looked like eight years ago. Short, chubby, awkward…

"Brother.'

I was startled out of my reverie when a hand lay over my shoulder. I whirled around, scared shitless. I scrambled till my back hits the wall.

_It just can't be. Please. It can't be. _

Hands held my face, "Are you okay brother?"

_No. please no._

I shut my eyes tight, "I am not your brother." Funny how that came out more calm and controlled when I'm shaking like a leaf inside, he chuckled. "I am as much as a human as you are a demon. You are my kin. Isn't this what you wanted? A family, a second chance?"

Foxes are mischievous creatures. The masters of trickery.

I tried to push him away. Lord knows how much I tried but what can my body do against over a thousand year old demon even if it did have the same body structure that I have for the present? "You're wrong! I didn't want this! I didn't want any of this!"

_It only has been a day. It's too raw. I can't. I can't go through that again. I'll break. Iruka-sensei..Sakura-chan…_

"Just who are you trying to fool whelp!" He growled. "Over and over I could hear your thoughts for thirteen years." He slammed my head against the wall, I grimaced. "You are now part demon as I am now part human. I am your kin whether you want to or not, I would treat you as how I would my kind."

_Sick. This is sick._

I felt the start of hysteria bubble up to my throat as I laughed. He let go as I slid down to the floor laughing. I had hoped I was dying. I had hoped that it would have ended and yet here it is, starting all over again. "My God." My laughter turned to hysterical sobs.

_How long this time? How long this time before I loose it again and cause another massacre?_

He knelt down in front of me and pulled me towards his chest where I let myself be held too tired and confused at all this bullshit to protest. "Why this?" I whispered sniffling. "Why turn back time too?'

"All that guilt for those pathetic creatures. All that regret for that imbecilic fool you had called friend," I felt more than saw him smile in a feral manner, "And it wasn't even your fault."

"It was!" I yelled back, I slammed my clenched fist at his chest cursing at the same time at this weak body of mine. "You don't understand. You can't understand."

_Sasuke left because I can't… I can't give him what he needs because he doesn't need it. _

His chest rumbled at his laughter, he traced one sharp fingernail at the skin of my back that made me shiver more from pain than pleasure. "Humans are such weak and fragile creatures. So easy to break, so weak minded." I winced when I felt the sharp nail pierce through my skin drawing blood and at the same time I felt it already healing even before the fox continued his ministrations in a different spot. "See?" He watched how the drops of blood spill over my backside. "The human shell can be wounded so easily."

He made a disgusted sound as he pulled my hair back forcing me to look up. "Maggots. They all are. Come now brother. You wish to repent the sins you did not commit? I gave you the chance." His hold loosened until he lets go finally. I rubbed the sore spot. "Show me what you can do this time to protect these petty creatures you're so fond of."

"What am I? Some twisted form of your entertainment!" I bristled as he stood up and sat on the edge of the bathtub. He shrugged nonchalantly. "Yes little brother. And while I watch you with your struggle you also have the responsibility to serve as my mentor as I am yours." He tested his fingers, looking at them fascinated. "Teach me how to function like… a human." The words tumbled out off his tongue as if it was something vile. "And I would teach you how to become strong. Maybe then you won't be such a pushover." He crossed his leg over the other and smirked.

"You bastard!" I tackled him making as both fall, the back of his head hitting the cement cracking. He didn't even wince and smirked even more as the blood spilled over the white tiles. We both know that it's already healing. I collapsed over his nude form heaving. "I didn't want this. I didn't want to become a demon. Please give me my humanity back. Give me my time back." I sobbed.

A hand patted me at the back. "There, there brother." The fox grinned through the mock sympathy. "Let's start anew this time as family hm?"

_A second chance, Irucka-sensei, Sakura-chan, Tsunaide-baachan… Sasuke..._

"You bastard fox. I hate you." I whimpered. "Hm." Arms, the same as my own wrapped around my waist. "As I you brother." He laughed. I closed my eyes and simply let myself be poisoned by his touch and the reality of the present that was eight years ago.

…………………….

"What's wrong Naruto-kun? You look like you've just seen a ghost?" I felt my beating heart skip a beat and I knew that I was staring but I couldn't find myself to care. It's like something caused a blood clot in my brain, that who I really was, who I really thought was seeing. I knew that when it hits me, it really hits me hard.

_There are no halves are there? _

I haven't accepted it. Not really. I had hoped that I was delusional. Insanity caused by the massacre.

I raked my hand through my damp locks and forced a grin. "I think I have." Smiling seems much harder now. The third chuckled and blew smokes from his pipe clearly not understanding. "Come now Naruto-kun. I'm not that old and frightening am I?"

I scratched the nape of my neck and laughed awkwardly. "hehe, old man your wrinkles always do scare me."

The smile faded as I trailed off, the third turned a serious yet concerned eye at my direction. "You okay Naruto-kun? Is everything alright?"

"I…I'm fine." I replied, struggling to breathe, struggling to find sense of everything. "It's… It's nothing. Nothing to worry about." I let out a grin. The grin which was more than once commented as fox like.

Sarutobi mocked a stern posture, "You're not hiding something are you? Picked another animal at the streets?"

Though it didn't look like it, I was shocked to the core at how close to home that question went. "Ahahaha…" I waved my arms in front of me. "Of course not old man. I wouldn't." I haha-ed a few times more just for the good measure. The bathroom door opened. I almost bit my tongue as I held back a curse. What lousy timing.

I dived to my closet and dug a towel throwing it to the redhead. "Aah! Kyosuke! What are you doing there naked. Do us all a favor and _evaporate _would you?"

_Nice save._

'Kyosuke' arched an eyebrow as he caught the towel. He shrugged, clearly not bothered at his nudity instead placing the towel at his shoulders as he strode towards my bedroom. "Whatever… brother." He smirked and closed the door.

_That #g A#$!._

I trailed his retreat with my eyes, delaying to inevitable of looking back to the Hokage. The third coughed. "Do you have something to say to me Naruto-kun."

Aw. Crap.


	3. Chapter 3

**Again, thank you for the reviews. It is greatly appreciated. This chapter is quite short but nevertheless, please read, enjoy and review.**

**Disclaimer: Naruto is not mine.**

**Hydrogen**

I gave a wearisome sigh as the bedroom door closes behind me. I glared for all that I was worth at the fox who is currently shifting through my cabinets.

"Kyosuke?" He asked without even turning towards me as he held up a t-shirt. I sat down to my bed with a huff and crossed my arms before my chest. "It's the first thing that came to my mind okay! Not like you even made an effort to explain." I mumbled. I looked down to my bare feet and wiggled my fingers, fascinated at how small they are now, how small my body parts now are. "I… I don't think the old man believed me." Shit. I wouldn't even believe me. Not with some bull of story like that. I don't know whether I should be happy that the old man entertained the idea of me keeping this freeloader or be angry at the exact same reason.

I already have the feeling that this fox would cause a lot more trouble to my life than he already have.

The said so fox snorted as he poked his nose through my clothing. "I can't understand these humans and their insistence for second skin. Everybody knows what's under there, why hide it?" He looked towards my direction looking disgusted and yet somewhat curious as well.

"Don't throw that all around! It's for protection." I retorted back irritated as I picked up the mess he made and started folding and hanging them back absentmindedly. "Protection?" He made an amused sound at the back of his throat and my eyes almost bugged out when he tore off a pair of pants in half easily. "A lot of protection this would do."

"What the hell are you doing! That's my favorite pair of pants!" I threw a random object towards him instinctively. Not even an hour and he's making my life hell more than it already is. "Anyway, humans have the thing called _modesty_. Something you demons can't understand ("You're a demon too.")…since you have no problem walking bare ass naked." I ignore his comment and threw him a pair of boxers, dark green shorts and a white shirt. "Put that on will you?" I rubbed my temples as if to chase away the incoming migraine.

I wonder why I even bother. It's not like I even wanted to help him understand.

_Riiiip!_

I threw my hands upwards in frustration and walked away slamming the door at the same time. I can't handle this shit.

* * *

If I ever tried to convince myself that this is still a dream, it would be a loosing battle. In fact it is as if I'm relieving some kind of bad memory. I remembered being bullied at times, half the time because of the children my age who thinks picking on someone is cool and the other half is simply because the people hates me.

Yup, just like home all over again.

"We don't serve your kind in here! Get out!"

That had been the proverbial icing on the cake and had actually been chased out of the grocery store with a broom. It _had _been like stepping back to a nightmare. The snickers, the glares, the hateful comments had always been too painful to hear, hitting too close to home. It was exactly as it had been like before. Sure, in the following years it had dulled and the hostility against me has dampened as I grew up but it never did dull the ache.

_I remember why I hate this place so much. I remember wishing I could just get up and leave and everything would be okay but I never did. I couldn't… no. I was too stubborn. Too optimistic and not…not with who I would leave behind._

The classes at the academy I had almost looked on forward to. The old man _did_ enroll me much earlier than the kids of my age. If I only didn't fail the exams I would have graduated three years early than the rest of the rookie nine. He had also suggested for my _brother_ to join, but the fox didn't want it. No. The fox was already too high and mighty to lower himself playing with human toys. I thought with sarcasm.

It was only the eight lap around the track and already I was wheezing like there's no tomorrow. Sure, I have more stamina than the rest seeing that they look far worse than I am but I didn't expect my state would be this bad.

_Must remember that a five year old body does not work the same way as a thirteen year old body does. Must remember, must remember._

As soon as the run ended I collapsed to the ground. I was surprised to find a face towering over mine. I looked at a sweaty brunette where I was sprawled at my back and then started to get up.

"Whoa… Killer run isn't it?"

I nodded at the boy as he grinned and scampered off albeit shakily from exhaustion. I just realize that not everyone was bent on hating me. I was just too wallowed up at my self pity and angst that I didn't realize sooner. I remembered, Shikamaru, Chouji, and Kiba had always been there for me when I was a kid but I just was too stupid to realize that them being there itself was an act of friendship.

From then on it hadn't been too bad, until one of the students accidentally hit me with a practice shuriken. I had to be rushed at the clinic where the nurse wasn't too gentle in handling my case. I suppressed a groan as the next teacher made us do press ups and the other make us listen as he droned out the importance and the wonderful purpose of algae.

_I want to go home. I don't want to be a student anymore. I want to go home!_

What? Go home to a pile of rubble and ghosts? Home where the possibility of facing Jiraiya is high?

The urge to cry was astounding, but I managed to rein it in and blinked it off. My heart heavy and full bursting in my chest. This place… whatever it was… was going to be too much to take. If living like this had made me genocidal and suicidal, being back here with the same people I had killed would do the trick.

_That's the bastard fox's plan. He got sick of listening to my subconscious whine so he sends us both back to make me kill myself and stop it. What a brilliant idea._

I wiped my eyes and sniffed; I squared my shoulders and forced a grin as I trudged back to my apartment. I had a few hours of daylight to spare, might as well spend it at a place I know I won't be chased or thrown a rock into. If living with a half demon, half human is safe…

* * *

"So weak." _Kyosuke_ remarked as he prodded my stomach bringing me to the state of wakefulness. I glared at him through my sleepy haze and hit him with a pillow before rolling away and cocooned myself with the covers. Undeterred, he continued on with his ministrations this time with my sides.

I felt my eye twitch each and every time he does that.

"DAMNIT! Stop poking me!" I tied the blanket around his neck threatening to cut his air supply. If he died I wouldn't feel sorry. Really I won't. Okay… maybe a little.

He grinned. "You're practically a living munchkin. Brother, I just don't want you to be this weak and helpless. We _are_ more than humans after all." He poked my still present baby fat in emphasis.

Now why did he have to say that? I slumped at his back and let the blanket free. Despair and guilt eating me up and it's all that bastard's doing.

"What did I do to deserve this?" I mumbled through his shoulder. I felt him pat my head that I knew was fake sympathy; I resisted the urge to bite his fingers off since they would just grow back and the blood would leave undesirable results at my sheets.

"There, there brother. How was your day?"

"Hell." I muttered. I buried my head at my pillow. _As always._ I sighed and turned my head to his direction giving him a half lidded glare.

He threw a grin which made me frown; he's enjoying the news way too much for my liking. The bastard…

_Maybe…_I thought to myself as I try to ignore my 'brother's' resumed poking. _I'll go back to sleep and wake up back in my weather beaten apartment, in the real world. Please, oh please, let me wake up there. With the piles of charred rocks and psycho Snake bastards, power hungry cults, psycho Uchihas and my own goddamn grief. Even without psycho Uchiha junior, Sakura-chan, Iruka-sensei and Tsunaide-baba._

_Without _them? _Without Team 7, Iruka and Tsunaide? And what will you do when you do manage to go home? How will you face the perverted hermit? And don't forget Sasuke. He'll get curious soon enough._

I clutched the bedcovers tighter and felt my stomach grow queasy at the thought as fast as it came to mind. Sasuke… was the first person who I had recognized was similar to me in some twisted way. That guy was the only one in my peers who treated me with indifference and acknowledged me in his own way by making his own judgments rather than listen what others say.

Though none of his remarks or actions is particularly pleasing, it was… refreshing in screwed up sort of way.

Maybe Sasuke sticking his hand through my chest had been the last straw, so to speak. My death; life snuffed out by that act by someone I respected and aspire to be. I am so pathetic. I'm reduced to this sniveling, cowardly wreck that could not face the world and could not face himself because of the act of complete betrayal.

_Congratulations Sasuke. You won hands down. I hope you're happy. _I thought dryly.

Thinking about team seven, and the rest made something beneath my chest painful as I felt my heart squeeze. The only people who had acknowledged me died by my own hands.

…

Well not directly anyway, I'm not that strong but releasing the Kyubbi from my seal pretty sums it up that it's my fault.

_Don't think about it. Don't think about it, don't think about it._

The fox finally stopped poking seemingly bored now. _Thank you! _He stood up and left the room, maybe even the apartment. Probably to terrorize villagers.

_Che. Not like I care. He could do whatever he wants, it's not like he's going to be spat upon since he's basically no one._

Iruka-sensei and Old man Sandime would be horrified if they knew how melancholy the supposed to be their genki charge and student turns out to be. _Scratch that. Sandaime would be horrified how melancholy I am. It's not like Iruka-sensei actually gave any visible sign he had accepted me yet._

Strangely the thought of them both only made the throbbing dread in my stomach grow. I went back under the covers and curled myself to a ball, pulling my knees to my chest hard as if the pressure in my breastbone would relieve me from my mental anguish, but it didn't.

_Darn._

I wouldn't be able to sleep at all so I'll be a wreck tomorrow. Lot it will do with me attending classes.

Whether I wanted it or not, I would always be lying to the old man and probably everybody else about everything. Every time they would call my name and answer, it would be a lie. At this point Sandaime had no idea that there is something wrong. He would still believe that I am the happy, determined, optimistic boy he had housed and protected.

I hate myself even more because of him.


End file.
